RETIREMENT PART 1:
So who said anything about retirement. I never planned on it. I just thought I would work, or, play music which isn't really work, until I physically can't do it anymore. I believe I have mentioned in other posts here probably ad nauseam that both my wife and I had nice jobs which all ended because of Covid.
My job or gig never came back. Well it did come back, but the whole musical event was scaled back and changed into something that I didn't want to be a part of. Without going into the gory details, I just didn't like what they were doing. What was originally a good show became something cheap and watered down all in the name of money. So I'm out.
The funny thing was, I didn't really know until that point that I was fast approaching burnout. I did eventually get calls for other gigs after the 2020 lock down, and I turned them down. The lock down and lay-offs made me realize I might not want to do this anymore. It was a good gig at the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas in the sense that all I had to do was show up with my guitar, and if I was subbing for the day shows put on my costume, and if I was doing the Venetian Trio at night just plug in my guitar and go.
These other gigs I was getting called for required me to drive to the venue and load in my amp, music stand, cables and guitar. As I said there was none of that at the Venetian. Everything in the way of sound was provided. That's when I realized that there was only a certain type of gig I could or would do in the future. None of the old schlepping gear gigs that I used to do before I played on cruise ships and Vegas.
Well, it kind of looks and smells like I'm retiring. HOLY SHIT!!! Now what do I do. Do I have to do what everyone talks about and reinvent myself? All I've ever wanted to do was music. So consequently that's all I did. Music. And for the last 40 some odd years. I also talk about this in another post The trials and tribulations of a working musician. So I won't go into that here. This is about Retirement. But kind of a forced retirement.
If Covid hadn't had come around I'm sure I would still be playing, working my gig. But the lock down and lay-offs happened and everything shut down. I went from working 4 to 5 days a week to 0.
After I discovered nothing was coming back the way I wanted it to, and my change of heart about what gigs I wanted to take, I was faced with the "R" word. Retirement. I'm not old. The "R" word makes you feel old. Doing taxes and not receiving a W-2 anymore and having to check certain boxes indicating what you do for a living made me feel old. I had to start checking the box that said "Retired." That was difficult. I don't even want to get into the Social Security thing.
RETIREMENT PART 2:
Okay okay. I've been beaten into submission. I'm retired. It's only a word. I may take a gig or two. I can actually do whatever I want to do. What do I want to do? Major problem! I used to play tennis during the day and music at night. It was a nice life. Never made a shitload of money but I had no family to speak of. No wife, no kids, just me, and I'm a very frugal person. I kept things simple. Didn't really overspend.
The tennis stopped around 2010 when I started working on cruise ships. The money was good and the travel was great. After ships I came to Vegas where I discovered I no longer wanted to be out late at night. Guess that's maybe the first sign of getting old.
But yes, I was done with being out late and possibly going back to the shit gigs I used to do in my twenties. In Vegas I was either doing the day shows or the Trios at night until 10 at the Venetian. None of this 1 or 2 in the morning shit. I also realized that I no longer wanted to work in a dark club. Not even if I were playing Jazz, which if I had to choose would be my genre of choice, along with some funk and soul thrown in. But not in a dark club. Yes I was kind of tired. But not Re-tired.
Cruise ships and the Vegas gig were very close to what I wanted to do music wise. An easy no hassle gig. My best friend since grade school and a piano player judges everything on a scale he calls the Fiasco Factor. Check the Fiasco Factor before accepting the gig. Sorry I keep slipping back and forth between the Trials and Tribulations post and this one which is supposed to be about Retirement. Good thing I'm a musician, because I'm certainly not a writer. Back to Retirement.
I have no hobbies per se. I did get into photography so I could document my travels while working on Cruise ships. I guess I always found that music sufficed as work and a hobby.
What is a hobby anyway? Isn't it just something to do while you don't have anything to do. I did however come up with "Travel" as a hobby. I really enjoyed my travels while working for Princess Cruises. Why not continue? Answer: Because everything was paid for by Princess. That's why. Now it's going to be on my dime, which is okay except for one thing. I hate spending money. Gonna have to overcome that one.
I guess for retired people travel is maybe the only option. I don't like the idea of stamp collecting or coin collecting. So travel seems to be a viable option and I'll be breaking out my DSLR and lenses so as to document my travels. It's just the money thing that bothers me.
RETIREMENT PART 3:
Is it really important to find something to do? That being productive gives you a sense of self worth? I kind of think that's all a bunch of bullshit. The kind of stuff a life coach would tell you, or Tony Robbins would tell you. "Find something to do that gives you a sense of self worth."
If you can only find a sense of self worth through what it is that you do, that's a slight problem in my opinion. I've never derived a sense of self worth through whatever it was that I did. I've never agreed with that "I'm worth something damnit" shit! I'll give you a sense of self worth. Relieving the boredom and possibly the monotony of doing the same thing all the time.
Playing music never gave me a sense of self worth. "Hey look at me! I'm contributing to society. I'm worth something." How do you make a contribution to society especially when you pretty much hate society in general. I don't like what other people do and think. I think most of society is stupid. So I want to contribute to that? Here, I'll play you a new scale I learned. Now get your rocks off on that. Has my new scale helped you?
Throughout most of my life I found that most people have a very narrow view of what a musician is. Whenever someone would ask what do you do, and I said I'm a musician, they would invariably ask "Do you play in a band?" Like you are just a piece of shit musician if you don't play in a band. Well I'm here to tell you that sometimes playing in a band makes you a bigger worthless piece of shit than if you don't. A stupid band should not be the deciding factor in whether you are a good or bad musician. That's how ignorant and narrow minded people are. What if I play guitar and only want to play at home for my personal enjoyment. Guess I can't call myself a musician because I don't play in a band. Should I share my music with other people? Maybe, maybe not. Don't know about that.
Sorry, I'm getting a little off topic and emotional. Most of the last paragraph should be in the Trials and Tribulations post.
But no, I don't lose my sense of self worth if I'm doing nothing. I get fucking bored, that's all.
Anyway, the retirement thing I believe is overrated for the most part. It is an antiquated part of society that needs to be done away with. Society tells you to retire at 62. Fuck it. Retire when you want. Meanwhile, the days of working at or for the same company and receiving a pension are over. Chances are when you retire and start receiving the pension you are too burned out or too ill to do anything but sit in your backyard and water the plants. In the meantime you have given your life to your employer and put money in his pocket and they really don't give a shit about you except to get you the fuck out of the way so they can bring in someone younger and more naive, that they can mold into what works for their business.
Wow! I'm even getting too negative and cynical for ME. Maybe I DON'T like myself. Nah......that would never happen.
EPILOGUE
Well I truly don't know if I have achieved anything except to rant and rave. Come to find out, I've got a lot of pent up anger and anxiety. I don't really understand what a blog is supposed to be about. For me I'm finding out that it is an outlet. I don't know anyone here in Merida except for my wife, and I'm driving her crazy.
Is a blog supposed to be informative, and if so I don't think I have informed anybody about anything. I do believe I have taken it and used it for my own selfish needs. Those needs are to purge what is going on inside my head.
So my apologies to those who thought I had something positive and helpful to say about retirement. Sorry if I misled you.
At some point maybe I will write about my life changing experience of moving to another country and maybe help someone thinking of doing the same. But for now I need to purge. Thank you.